Pride: What's all the fuss about

So I did it! I ventured into Toronto for the big PRIDE parade. Wow...talk about crowded. At one point, there were so many people trying to walk both directions on Church street that we all came to a standstill. Took 20 minutes to walk half a block.

I do admit that it was nice to simply be around such a mass of gay people - out, proud, and comfortable with who they are. It was nice to walk along and see same-sex couples holding hands. But in general, I was neither shocked nor inspired - both emotions which I anticipated given what I'd heard about such celebrations.

First of all, I had been led to believe that a PRIDE festival was the ultimate den of iniquity. I was expecting excessive amounts of nudity and lewdness. There was the odd person dressed a little more risque than you might find walking down Main St. on a regular weekday, but in general, people were just people. A few more rainbows in sight than normal, but nothing that made my jaw drop.

Second, I was expecting to come away inspired. To me, it seems that there must be a wealth of resources within the gay community, particularly when it comes to artistic endeavors. Maybe its a stereotype, but I thought we tended to be fairly creative people. I was looking forward to a celebration of that creativity - to see dance and music and art that championed the best of what we are and can be. I was disappointed.

The booths and even the floats in the parade itself were of two main types. The first was companies and organizations who wanted to jump on the inclusivity bandwagon and say, hey, look at us...we welcome members of the LGBTQ community. That's great. I'm happy that society has moved towards being open and accepting. We should definitely celebrate this progress. But it felt more like advertising to me, more like a calculated move not to end up on the wrong side of a growing community of potential customers (don't get me wrong, I'm sure many individuals within these companies are genuinely supportive).

The second main type seemed to be community groups within the LGBTQ community. These entries consisted of a bunch of people holding hand-made signs and sometimes coordinated t-shirts. I was happy to know that they existed, but I could have learned about them and their services more efficiently on a website with links. Again, this felt like advertising.

There were a few groups that were simply representing various facets of our comminity whether that was dykes, or trans, or third world, etc. These I thought were great. To be able to walk proud in front of such a crowd and say, hey, this is who I am - that's awesome. I wish there had been more of that.

All in all, I walked away puzzled by what such an event accomplished. In this earlier post, I pondered what it meant to be 'proud'. I considered what role PRIDE celebrations might play in generating and sustaining that emotion. Now that I've actually been to one, I am no closer to any answers. Did going to this years PRIDE parade increase my sense of pride in being a lesbian, in being part of the LGBTQ community? No, it really didn't.

I'm not sure what else to say. I went, I saw, I came home. I will say that those who went to the parade are among the most dedicated people I know - four hours of standing in blistering hot conditions. Wow!

I’m afraid I might be butch

So the other day I had just about run out of clean clothes and ended up wearing what I consider a ‘grunge around the house’ outfit that was an even less feminine look than normal for me. Somehow that triggered an intense period of reflection about what kind of lesbian I see myself as being. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t think anybody has to fit themselves into any particular label. This is not about feeling obligated to label myself but it is about figuring out who I am and using the labels to assist in that process.

First off, some background information...

When I was younger, I dressed in very baggy, nondescript clothing. I had very short hair and often got mistaken for a boy. I didn’t know at the time that I was gay, but I knew I didn’t fit in with the other kids and felt very out of place. I wished I could be more girl-like, but I didn’t know how...or at least that’s what I told myself. I blamed it on not having a great mother-daughter relationship and/or not having a lot of girlfriends to do girly things with.

Others disapproved of my looks and clothing choices. It was explained to me that my baggy clothing was likely a response to some sort of shame that I felt – that I was choosing to hide my body and deny my femininity. Being a good Christian girl, I was expected (and believed I wanted) to embrace the person God supposedly made me to be – a woman. I actually remember being prayed for in a deliverance type session to be freed from whatever bondage was holding me back from fully feeling, looking, and acting like a woman (at least in acceptable Christian ways). Shortly after this session, a mother and her daughter took me on as a special project. They taught me about makeup and helped me buy clothes that fit better. I grew my hair out and started getting involved in dance classes. One could say I was a genuine Christian success story.

But changing the outside doesn’t necessarily change the inside. My clothes are casual but generally cut in a feminine fashion, however, I often feel clueless and awkward – trying to figure out shoes and accessories and mixing and matching, etc. is really hard work and I never seem to get it right. I would say that 4 out of 5 times that I leave the house, I feel uncomfortable with how I look. I’ve been blaming it on the fact that I’m overweight. I keep saying that once I’m thinner, wearing feminine clothes will be easy and everything will just fall into place. Unfortunately, the counterevidence to that conclusion is all the overweight and yet still very feminine women out there. Sigh.

Adding to the pressure I felt to adopt more womanly ways was an assumption that the only way I’d ever attract a guy would be to appear feminine. I never felt pretty enough to snag a man and the idea of all the work involved in getting and staying pretty enough just sounded exhausting to me. I was never interested enough in any particular guy to put in that kind of effort and I often wondered if I was a dud.

Then finally three years ago I walked away from the faith of my upbringing and about eight months ago was free enough from its expectations to acknowledge to myself that I was and always have been gay. I wasn’t a dud...I just wasn’t interested in guys. So for the last little while I’ve been celebrating the freedom to be myself and dreaming about being with a woman. I’ve often been asked what my ‘type’ is and have struggled to define that. I haven’t been able to decide which of the women I observe I want to be like, and which I want to be with. I find the soft butches snazzy and the pretty femmes beautiful.

Returning to my internal rumination on what kind of lesbian I am...

I’ve realized a couple of things. First of all, there are women who are attracted to butch types which means dressing more masculine does not necessarily preclude finding love (as it was more likely to do when I was assuming a heterosexual relationship). Second, I have always had a secret desire to shop in the men’s department (seriously...I can remember distinct episodes of looking at the racks longingly but denying myself). Third, I feel most comfortable in my own skin when I dress a bit more butch-like (think Ellen Degeneres and Rachel Maddow style). Fourth, despite wanting to dress a bit more masculine, I am very happy being female – and I still like my long hair.

So, given all that, you’d think that concluding that I’m at least soft butch would be a given, right? Nope, not so easy. For some reason, considering accepting that as my identity and actually allowing myself to live that way evokes a whole lot of emotion. Being that way when I was young was such a negative experience and associated with so much shame and ‘wrongness’, that I’m really afraid to re-embrace it now. It’s not rational, but it’s how I feel.

I actually browsed through the men’s section at Value Village the other day and came home with some men’s t-shirts. I’m wearing one right now and I like how I feel in it. Wearing frilly feminine clothes makes me feel vulnerable and exposed – wearing this silly t-shirt makes me feel together and composed. But the idea of going out in public like this scares the heck out of me. Strange, eh?

My first PRIDE got rained out

So last Saturday I was all excited. I was going to go to my first ever PRIDE event in Burlington. I was even going to be a volunteer. It was a full day, festival in the park type event. I got there an hour early to help set up. At that stage it was drizzling slightly. We dashed back and forth helping vendors set up tents and making signage. We had a few mishaps with water seeping through the gap between two awnings, but remained hopeful.

And then....the light drizzle suddenly escalated into a full fledge downpour. That wouldn’t have been so bad – we could have waited it out – if it hadn’t been accompanied by gusting winds and seriously shocking lighting. Wow! I have never been outside in a storm like that. Our flimsy shelters were no match for its fury. After a few pathetic attempts to hold down tents and rescue merchandise, we abandoned the field and fled to a nearby library.

A flurry of discussions over how to cancel the artists and what to do with the food ensued as we realized that our only option was to cancel the event. So disappointing.

And so my very first PRIDE ever ended in less than an hour and left me soaked to the skin.

This week is Hamilton PRIDE with lots of events hosted by a variety of different organizations. Check out this website for more info. I’ll probably check out a few. But then I think I’m gonna have to go to Toronto just for the experience of it. Will it be something I go to every year? Probably not. But it’s a rite of passage this baby dyke must undertake...just to say I did.

Are we defined by media?

I’ve joined a few online dating sites recently and have noticed that while many people only give a few sentences in their self-summary, their listing of what movies and music they like goes on forever. Is that a critical detail in terms of relationship compatibility? Do such lists given genuine insight into the person’s nature or character? Given the current media saturation of the world, have we pretty much become what we watch and listen to?

There is research showing that while people from individualistic or Western cultures tend to answer the question “Who are you?” with statements such as “I am a student” or “I am friendly”, people from collectivistic or Eastern cultures tend to answer with relational statements such as “I am X’s sister” or “I am a member of Y” (google culture and self-contstrual). I’m trying to figure out where in that dichotomy to place self-descriptions that consist of “I listen to...” or “I watch...” statements.

This article talks about how the imagery available in various media is used by young people to construct their sense of identity and to model their lives after. But that is slightly different from what I’m suggesting. I’m sure ‘Saved by the Bell’ and ‘Full House’ (I’m aging myself here) somewhat informed my ideas about what it meant to be a teenager and even a family member. But what I’m referring to is the sense I get that simply saying someone listens to Bands X, Y, and Z is presumed sufficient information from which to derive a full and accurate portrayal of who he or she is.

Or is it that we no longer have a life outside of the media we entertain ourselves with? We work, sleep, eat...and watch TV or listen to our iPods. Maybe we just don’t have anything else to talk about when trying to describe ourselves. There are all sorts of philosophical tangents I could go on here – are we living vicariously through the characters on our screens? if I say we need to get a life, what does having a life mean? But really, the bottom line of this article is simply this: If you are writing an online profile, write a longer self-summary. Please and thank-you.

Preoccupied with being gay

It’s only been about eight months since I finally acknowledged to myself that I am gay. Long story; nuther post. Since then, I seem to have followed typical trajectory in becoming rather consumed with what this means to my life. To be fair, there have been changes in many areas – I’m reading different books, listening to different music, watching different movies, hanging out with different people. But I worry sometimes that the fact that I’m gay resides too much at the forefront of my thoughts. Heterosexual people don’t go through their day constantly thinking about how they are straight. I am more than a lesbian, aren’t I? Have I changed that much with this new awareness?

But then I ask myself if it’s possible to be blasé about this aspect of who I am? Because it’s not so much about being gay specifically, as it is being a minority. Our self-concept is multi-faceted and we are rarely aware of every aspect of who we are all the time. Research has shown that contrast, in particular, can make a facet more salient. For example, it is unlikely that we spend much time consciously thinking about the color of our hair. But if we have black hair and suddenly walk into a room full of blondes, we will be more likely to include hair color in a self-description. The difference between that aspect of ourselves and of those around us brings it to the surface of our awareness.

Fact: Those who identify as anything but heterosexual are a minority. Thus, wherever we go, the fact that we are gay or transgender, etc. will likely be more prominent in our minds than the majority’s heterosexuality will be to them. Compounding this effect is the fact that we are often faced with assumptions that must be corrected: “Oh, do you have a boyfriend?” or “Shouldn’t you be using the men’s room?” Add to that the many situations in which we have to guage whether who we are will be accepted or not and what level of self-censure we should employ and it’s no wonder that our sexual orientation feels like a consuming part of our lives.

There are several comparable examples. A person confined to a wheelchair must always be thinking about accessibility issues. A parent can’t simply go partying without planning for their kids. An entrepreneur can’t afford to miss an opportunity to network. In all of these cases, necessity forces a certain facet of a person’s life to the forefront. My being gay is just another example.

Can society do something about it? Sure. As assumptions and acceptance levels change, the need for me to differentiate or protect myself will be reduced and so will my focus on this aspect of my identity. Can I do something about it? Sure. I can surround myself by friends and families for whom my being a lesbian is no big deal or who are gay themselves so I don’t feel set apart or defensive. And most of all, I can give myself a little understanding and grace now that I understand why things are the way they are and work to be a part of changing the way others view me and others like me.

Is being gay a choice?

This idea of 'choice' seems to be a key one upon which many opponents of homosexuality hang their hats. I'm not going to rehash the arguments on both sides of that debate. Rather, I want to explore the question from my subjective experience. Have I 'chosen' to be gay?

If I had remained in the church, or if I hadn't purposefully exposed myself to gay media and literature in order to become more educated about this segment of our society, I may very well have remained in my naivety and simply viewed myself as a rather pathetic heterosexual (I am 30 yrs old and have never dated - never been attracted to a guy). Does this mean that my new identification of myself as gay is a choice? Yes, I think I have chosen to apply that label to myself, to adjust my concept of self to accommodate this new understanding. Could I have chosen to deny this label, to justify the evidence from my life in some other way? Certainly.

Our understanding of ourselves changes continually. Our sense of who we are is adjusted as we encounter new people or face various life experiences. In the face of failure, a person can choose to label themselves as defeated, or they can label themselves as temporarily delayed. How we view ourselves in any given situation changes how we feel and the subsequent decisions that we make.

However, that framing does not change the circumstances themselves, only our interpretation. To bring this back to the discussion of homosexuality, I believe that the biological source of the attraction I feel for my same gender and the lack of attraction I feel for the opposite gender is not a choice - its simply a physical reality. Until now, I have not had a way of conceptualizing this reality, a linguistic frame that would enable me to integrate it into my sense of who I am. Now that I do, I have a choice of embracing this new understanding, rejecting it, or warping it to fit some societal expectation.

But why would I hesitate? Why would I deny myself a fuller understanding of what makes me...me? Why does anyone choose denial when faced with some revelation about themselves? Usually fear. If someone points out to you that you that people perceive you as arrogant and you recognize some element of truth in that observation, you might feel fear that admitting it would lose you the respect of your peers. So instead, you deny it and blame in on the insecurity of others who are jealous. Fear causes us to do weird things.

But I refuse to let my life be dictated by fear...and refusal is a choice. So am I choosing to embrace my identity as a gay person. Yes. And in doing so I feel a new freedom. I feel disparate pieces of the puzzle that is my life falling into place. This new label helps me feel whole, to feel more like myself for the first time in years.

Am I proud to be a lesbian?

What does it mean, as an LGBTQ community to celebrate PRIDE? I’ve been struggling a bit with this idea. Am I proud that I’m a lesbian? If we truly believe that sexual orientation is not a choice, then that’s equivalent to saying that I’m proud of being right-handed. I’m sure that expressing pride in being a Caucasian would cause offense to some, and yet there are definitely Black pride movements. Has pride become synonymous with defiance again a majority? I’m guessing that is the way it is viewed most certainly by those outside the community, but likely also my many within it. Pride events seem designed to exaggerate our differences and even to push the boundaries of what defines us.

I fully support our right to hold such celebrations. I even think they are fun, perhaps a healthy way to blow off steam and to challenge some of the arbitrary lines of propriety that society has drawn. I believe they also serve an kind of desensitizing function in making our everyday selves seem much closer to normal in retrospect. But I still feel like there should be more to PRIDE than that – a pride that doesn’t have to be tinged with defiance; a pride that I can carry with me every day of the year.

So I started thinking about what it means to be proud of something...or more specifically, someone? If I say I am proud of a friend for example, it’s generally in reference to some accomplishment. I may be proud of her for acing a test or of him for facing a fear. Usually, the accomplishment in question involved overcoming some sort of obstacle. For instance, it would sound odd to claim you were proud of someone for, say, brushing their teeth. Unless, perhaps, that person had done so despite a phobia or a physical limitation.

There is another, more generic sense of pride. For example, parents are often proud of their kids. While this may be in relation to specific accomplishments, it can also just refer to a belief that their kids are awesome. Similarly, people are often proud of their country, proud to be a citizen. Again, this seems to stem from a much more general sense of “pleasure in” or “happiness with”.

Relating these definitions back to the LGBTQ community, I am both proud of our accomplishments and proud to belong to such an amazing group of people. While we have far to go, I am proud of the progress made towards recognition and equality in the last number of years. There are so many that have sacrificed to make this possible. And on an individual level, each person who has come out as a lesbian or gay or transgender, etc. has shown incredible courage and integrity. I am proud of the way in which each one has overcome the obstacles inherent in just being who they are. I am proud of the friends and family members who have allowed their views to be challenged and who have come to accept and support us. Given that these individuals of whom I am proud make up the community at large, I am proud to say I am one of you. We may not be a natural born family, but we have joined together to be a family nonetheless, a family to which I am happy to belong.

As a newbie, I’m still working on being comfortable with the ‘out-there’ kind of pride demonstrated in many official PRIDE events. But this other kind of pride – this I can carry without hesitation. I will be at my local pride events, perhaps the quiet one on the sidelines, but proud nonetheless – proud of each person there and proud to be a part.