Finished reading "Butch is a Noun"

I recently finished reading the book “Butch is a Noun” by S. ‘Bear’ Bergman. It’s basically a collection of essays about various aspects of living as a butch. Ze fully acknowledges that ze is just one voice among many, and even within hir own experience there are variations. I didn’t relate to everything, and some things I really liked could only be understood in the context of the entire essay, but I do want to share a few of the thoughts that stood out to me as I read.

1)  Ze talked about gender neutral pronouns of which I am trying to use to refer to hir out of respect. I find them very awkward. But I understand their value. Even though I’m leaning towards ‘masculine of center’, I really don’t like to be referred to as a male (Bergman talks about the value of being called ‘Sir’ at times, but currently, such references to myself rub me the wrong way. That might change), but I think I could handle a gender neutral pronoun. Or I’m just fine with the feminine ones for now, at least.

2)  Although ze likes some of the advantages that come with being viewed as a man, Bergman doesn’t want to lose the ability to switch. She explains: 

“But Sir is a man, and I am a butch. I am willing to be a man for a while, when it’s convenient or safe or pleasant, but inevitably I want to be able to coo inanely at little children and not have their mothers come and grab them away. I want to go and see my mechanic and confess without an ounce of shame that something is the matter and I haven’t the faintest idea what it might be. I want to be seen in the world as safe instead of strong. I want to hold hands and cry. I want to order girly blender drinks all summer long and use a restroom that has a passing chance of some remote acquaintance with cleaning products in its recent past...more than all those things, I like being able to choose.” (p58)

3)  Ze talks about wanting to experience several masculine aspects of life such as wrestling, having a cock, and going topless that I can’t say I’ve ever really yearned for. Well, wrestling might be fun. I can still remember the feeling when my dad stopped including me in play fights because it was inappropriate for me as a girl.

4)  Ze talks about how ze found mentors online as a young person just discovering hir identity and how ze’s been surprised at times by younger folks approaching hir to ask questions. Ze bemoans the lack of mentors today. To which I say ‘hear, hear’! Where are you, older, more experienced folks to whom I can enquire about all things gay and who I can look at as an examples of successful gay relationships?

5)  Ze talks about interacting with troubled youth and how ze seems to avoid many of the problems other volunteers have. Ze reflects on how that’s likely because there is no stereotypical way to react to hir fluid gender. As such, ze sidesteps the posturing that often goes on when gender is clear. I liked that thought and wonder how I might make use of that phenomenon in my own work with youth.

6)  Ze mentioned hir dislike of her breasts: “Breasts, for butches, fall into that category of things known as ‘lovely for you, not acceptable for me’” (p47). But acknowledges that not all butches feel that way. I think I’m fairly neutral on this point. I’m not ashamed of them, but I’ve never really flaunted them either.

7)  Okay, so I haven’t bought men’s underwear yet, but this nicely describes the feeling inside that I’ve had as I’ve started making some changes to my look: 

“The same year I cut my hair short, I started wearing men’s underwear...I felt more confident in them, more attractive in them...let me imagine myself taller, more handsome, stronger, sexier. I felt good in the space I was taking of, all of a sudden; I felt more confident in my clothes and out of them” (p95).

8)  Ze talks about how butches tend to be less open about their feelings. One reason is that they are too focused on others needs:

“...they can feel their feelings even though the presence of feelings is suspect in the first place, but they must stop immediately as soon as someone else is having a tough time so that all their resources can be directed to soothing that person” (p16) and “Sure, I have time. I always have time for you. Sure, whatever you need. Whatever you need. Me? I’m all set. Thanks, though” (p178).

A second reason is a difficulty in trusting others:

“I try very hard, in every intention and deed, in my private life and my public presentation, to be someone who can be trusted that way, someone safe, someone who people know will take good care of them...Lots of people trust me like that. I trust very few. I want to, so much that sometimes I trust when I know I shouldn’t and I get hurt that way, but when I need to trust someone else with the load I’m carrying, I have to be careful that I choose someone who can handle it, who won’t be bent to the ground by the sheer weight” (p203).

 I don’t know if this is a butch thing or a personality thing (or maybe those are the same), but I know this describes me perfectly. It’s a rare person who can handle the fully honest me. And so, I mostly just take care of others.

9)  Ze talks about how hir father taught her to be a gentleman. As ze described what he taught her, I recognized the way I behave, the attitude with which I approach life. Is this a ‘butch’ attitude or again, is it just personality – and what, if anything, is the difference? Ze explains: Am I any clearer on what a butch is? Yes and no. I think the one thing Bergman clearly showed is that being butch is not about being manly in a rough and tumble sort of way. It’s not about spitting and making crude jokes. It’s not even about being handy or mechanical or into sports or whatever other ultimate masculine stereotype you want to draw upon. And it’s less about appearance than about attitude. It’s about how you take up space and where you position yourself in relation to others.

“But his lessons of community were gentlemen’s lessons, butch lessons, given over the years as much by action as in instruction, and I absorbed them all. I learned to not only listen to what people said but to watch what they did, and not only that but to remember, and to synthesize that information so that in the future I might be able to anticipate some need in someone I loved and help them before they even asked. To watch carefully and see fully all of those things that are important to my friends and family, and to keep that aggregate of information at the forefront of my consciousness, to see the entire world through a filter of what the people I know and love might want or need, heedless of current thinking about co-dependency or self-actualization or whatever other bullshit disguised as modern medicine or self-help made it into the mainstream consciousness...So now I go on, doing exactly as I learned from him to do, surprising my loved ones with the magnitude of my attention, both the depth and the breadth of it upon which they remark as though it were something extraordinary but which seems perfectly natural to me” (p105-108).