Playing with gender expression

So I know I've been questioning whether I might be butch and talking about how that seems to be more about attitude than appearance. But at the same time, I have been playing with how I look.

I chopped off my hair. Apparently my current style is called a faux hawk...that sounds entirely too cool for me, but I like how it looks (a slightly masculine look). I also got my ears pierced (a slightly feminine look).

I've given myself permission to shop in the men's department and am like a kid in the candy store with all the new shirts available to me. I bought my first necktie and wore it out for my birthday this past week. What I think is ironic is that I feel more feminine in guys clothes. I'm probably simply feeling comfortable in my own skin and since I view myself as female (no desire to transition or anything like that), I feel more like a woman. But its an odd juxtaposition...I wore the shirt and tie and it made me feel like putting makeup on for the first time in a long time to go with it. Weird.

Then today my sister-in-law took me out for my birthday to get my first ever manicure/pedicure. I'm sitting here with painted toes and fingers. Its a very subtle color, but it makes me feel uncomfortable somehow...like my digits don't quite belong to me.

I've been exploring a bunch of tumblrs that are basically photo collections of gender-bending individuals <http://genderqueer.tumblr.com, http://tomboyfemme.com/> . There seem to be all sorts of words for such folks from androgynous to genderqueers to tomboy femmes to dandies. I don't like the word butch. I have nothing against those who suit the word or who appropriate it for whatever reason...I just don't feel like it fully fits me. I don't want to pass for a man. I don't want to be called sir. Some days I'll probably look more masculine and some days I might go a bit more feminine. But that said, I think I embody a butch attitude.

So with the aplomb that belongs to many members of our community who process the various labels available to them and find nothing that quite suits...I will simply say, I am just me.

P.S. That said, for whatever reason, I kind of like the word 'dyke'. It implies attitude...makes me want to strut my stuff.