Playing with gender expression

So I know I've been questioning whether I might be butch and talking about how that seems to be more about attitude than appearance. But at the same time, I have been playing with how I look.

I chopped off my hair. Apparently my current style is called a faux hawk...that sounds entirely too cool for me, but I like how it looks (a slightly masculine look). I also got my ears pierced (a slightly feminine look).

I've given myself permission to shop in the men's department and am like a kid in the candy store with all the new shirts available to me. I bought my first necktie and wore it out for my birthday this past week. What I think is ironic is that I feel more feminine in guys clothes. I'm probably simply feeling comfortable in my own skin and since I view myself as female (no desire to transition or anything like that), I feel more like a woman. But its an odd juxtaposition...I wore the shirt and tie and it made me feel like putting makeup on for the first time in a long time to go with it. Weird.

Then today my sister-in-law took me out for my birthday to get my first ever manicure/pedicure. I'm sitting here with painted toes and fingers. Its a very subtle color, but it makes me feel uncomfortable somehow...like my digits don't quite belong to me.

I've been exploring a bunch of tumblrs that are basically photo collections of gender-bending individuals <http://genderqueer.tumblr.com, http://tomboyfemme.com/> . There seem to be all sorts of words for such folks from androgynous to genderqueers to tomboy femmes to dandies. I don't like the word butch. I have nothing against those who suit the word or who appropriate it for whatever reason...I just don't feel like it fully fits me. I don't want to pass for a man. I don't want to be called sir. Some days I'll probably look more masculine and some days I might go a bit more feminine. But that said, I think I embody a butch attitude.

So with the aplomb that belongs to many members of our community who process the various labels available to them and find nothing that quite suits...I will simply say, I am just me.

P.S. That said, for whatever reason, I kind of like the word 'dyke'. It implies attitude...makes me want to strut my stuff.

An LGBT hero just for me

I was randomly browsing the Internet the other day and stumbled across some posts about a Christian singer who had come out as gay in 2008. Now, there are a few such persons in existence, but this one was significant to me because I used to listen to his songs a lot as a young person. In fact, I even won a competition doing a mime to one of his most popular songs called "Thank you". The singer's name is Ray Boltz.

Ray has just recently come out with a new album called TRUE with a collection of songs that speak to his journey and to the journeys of so many others in the queer community. I have to admit, I cried as I listened to several of them.

For example, there's a song called "Following her dreams" which is about how lesbians don't have an agenda - they just want to have a family and a life and find happiness just like everyone else. I related to that because I know I'm going to be criticized by Christians in my past for supposedly 'choosing' to be gay. But for me, coming to this realization about myself has suddenly re-opened doors to dreams I had long since put to rest. I, like many other young women my age, would love to find a special someone and create a home together with them, but given the way none of the guys I was around ever inspired me to pursue such a relationship, I had started to assume it wasn't for me. Now I have hope again and am excited about the possibilities in my future. I'm not evil...I'm just following my dreams.

There are additional songs that really speak to issues I'm grappling with right now. There's a song called "I chose" about how people don't choose to be gay. There's a song called "God knows I tried" about how hard he worked to be what the Christian world implied he should be.

There are also songs about who Jesus would love and about not dictating to people who they can marry among several others. I recommend checking out the album and this brave man's story.

I also thinks its amazing and a testimony to true love that his wife stood by him. They got a divorce but stayed friends.

The final song I'll comment on is one called "I will choose to love" which is how he chooses to love, to care, to hope, to respect, etc. even though others don't respond to him that way. My goal is to be just as gracious.

Butch Attitude

I’m more and more coming to the conclusion that being butch is far more about attitude than it is about appearance. In fact, I know two couples in which the more butch looking partner is actually the more feminine of the two in terms of how they think and feel – in other words, their attitude.

But just what is that attitude. I touched on it to some extent in my review of the book “Butch is a Noun” by S. ‘Bear’ Bergman, but I want to try to explore it a bit more here.

When I think of my parents, I see my dad as the visibly stronger one, both emotionally and physically. My mom struggled with depression and sometimes needed a lot of assurance. When things needed taken care of around the house or the car needed packed, that was my dad’s job. But as I’ve grown older, I’ve come to see that even though she appeared weaker, my mom was just as vital a force within the marriage. She balanced my dad, helped him empathize, gave him the support he needed to do his work with confidence, and of course cooked and cleaned and so on. I don’t think either of them would be who they are without the other. They are 32 years together and going strong.

Now some might criticize me for such a seemingly antiquated view of husband and wife roles...and I’d agree. In no way do I think that relationship roles have to be strictly divided as such (each has its own unique pattern of complements), but it is what I grew up with and thus the experience from which I have to draw when thinking about myself and how I will interact with my future partner(s).

Despite feminist objects to such a dichotomy, at least within heterosexual relationships, there does seem to be a sense that a butch is the broad shoulder that can be leaned upon. Bergman often spoke in hir book about being a safe place for her friends and family.  Ze described the ‘butch’ as the one who tucks the femme’s arm in hirs as they walk down the street, who carries the heavy load, and stares down the menacing onlooker. In essence, the ‘butch’ is more like my dad.

But is a femme like my mom? I don’t really know. I struggle to explain what femme is, probably because I don’t identify as one. I know that I admire their beauty and their ability to create beauty, their hospitality, their understanding of emotions, etc. (but even saying that feels like an unsatisfactory reduction of a complex and endlessly fascinating ‘essence’ into just a few phrases).

I do know that when I see heterosexual couples walking down the street, girl on the guy’s arm, and try to picture myself as that girl, I just can’t do it. But to have a girl on MY arm...oh, now that would be sweet. And it has nothing to do with who can lift more weight, make more money, or any other supposed value comparisons. Is it some sort of arrogance to be unable to see myself leaning on someone else in that way, either physically and metaphorically? I don’t know.

In many ways, thinking of ‘butch’ attitude takes me back to sermons I’ve heard on servant leadership – the most effective leaders are those that put aside their own desires and serve others, building them up and equipping them to be all they can be. The sense I got from Bergman’s book and my own reflections on how I interact with others, is that to be butch is to be a servant. Normally, a leader might be perceived as above the follower, but having a servant attitude reverses that.

I don’t view myself as above anyone. I want to bring strength to my relationships. I want to be a person on whom others can lean. But that doesn’t mean I would have or even want to have the power. In fact, it’s the other person who carries the power as their happiness becomes my goal.

I didn’t include this quote from “Butch is a Noun” earlier because I wanted to use it here. I think it captures this dynamic between butch and femme very well.

 “The truth is, you fill me with desire. Not just sexual desire, though I am certainly not immune to your exquisite charms, but also a different kind of desire, one that I have no language for. What I want more than anything with you is to make you feel as precious, as desirable, as worthy of the attention of a gentleman as you are. Like a lady...like the prettiest girl at the hop. Like a girl who wakes up and puts on lacy matching underwear because you just never know what might happen in a day. A femme once told me that I had inspired her to buy lovely matching underthings, that she had never felt like she deserved them before she knew me, and that still ranks as one of the nicest compliments I have ever received. I want for you to feel delightful and yet still real, not idealized and not put on a pedestal but still capable of bringing a butch to hir knees with desire even though ze knows about your faults and foibles” (p190-191).

Finished reading "Butch is a Noun"

I recently finished reading the book “Butch is a Noun” by S. ‘Bear’ Bergman. It’s basically a collection of essays about various aspects of living as a butch. Ze fully acknowledges that ze is just one voice among many, and even within hir own experience there are variations. I didn’t relate to everything, and some things I really liked could only be understood in the context of the entire essay, but I do want to share a few of the thoughts that stood out to me as I read.

1)  Ze talked about gender neutral pronouns of which I am trying to use to refer to hir out of respect. I find them very awkward. But I understand their value. Even though I’m leaning towards ‘masculine of center’, I really don’t like to be referred to as a male (Bergman talks about the value of being called ‘Sir’ at times, but currently, such references to myself rub me the wrong way. That might change), but I think I could handle a gender neutral pronoun. Or I’m just fine with the feminine ones for now, at least.

2)  Although ze likes some of the advantages that come with being viewed as a man, Bergman doesn’t want to lose the ability to switch. She explains: 

“But Sir is a man, and I am a butch. I am willing to be a man for a while, when it’s convenient or safe or pleasant, but inevitably I want to be able to coo inanely at little children and not have their mothers come and grab them away. I want to go and see my mechanic and confess without an ounce of shame that something is the matter and I haven’t the faintest idea what it might be. I want to be seen in the world as safe instead of strong. I want to hold hands and cry. I want to order girly blender drinks all summer long and use a restroom that has a passing chance of some remote acquaintance with cleaning products in its recent past...more than all those things, I like being able to choose.” (p58)

3)  Ze talks about wanting to experience several masculine aspects of life such as wrestling, having a cock, and going topless that I can’t say I’ve ever really yearned for. Well, wrestling might be fun. I can still remember the feeling when my dad stopped including me in play fights because it was inappropriate for me as a girl.

4)  Ze talks about how ze found mentors online as a young person just discovering hir identity and how ze’s been surprised at times by younger folks approaching hir to ask questions. Ze bemoans the lack of mentors today. To which I say ‘hear, hear’! Where are you, older, more experienced folks to whom I can enquire about all things gay and who I can look at as an examples of successful gay relationships?

5)  Ze talks about interacting with troubled youth and how ze seems to avoid many of the problems other volunteers have. Ze reflects on how that’s likely because there is no stereotypical way to react to hir fluid gender. As such, ze sidesteps the posturing that often goes on when gender is clear. I liked that thought and wonder how I might make use of that phenomenon in my own work with youth.

6)  Ze mentioned hir dislike of her breasts: “Breasts, for butches, fall into that category of things known as ‘lovely for you, not acceptable for me’” (p47). But acknowledges that not all butches feel that way. I think I’m fairly neutral on this point. I’m not ashamed of them, but I’ve never really flaunted them either.

7)  Okay, so I haven’t bought men’s underwear yet, but this nicely describes the feeling inside that I’ve had as I’ve started making some changes to my look: 

“The same year I cut my hair short, I started wearing men’s underwear...I felt more confident in them, more attractive in them...let me imagine myself taller, more handsome, stronger, sexier. I felt good in the space I was taking of, all of a sudden; I felt more confident in my clothes and out of them” (p95).

8)  Ze talks about how butches tend to be less open about their feelings. One reason is that they are too focused on others needs:

“...they can feel their feelings even though the presence of feelings is suspect in the first place, but they must stop immediately as soon as someone else is having a tough time so that all their resources can be directed to soothing that person” (p16) and “Sure, I have time. I always have time for you. Sure, whatever you need. Whatever you need. Me? I’m all set. Thanks, though” (p178).

A second reason is a difficulty in trusting others:

“I try very hard, in every intention and deed, in my private life and my public presentation, to be someone who can be trusted that way, someone safe, someone who people know will take good care of them...Lots of people trust me like that. I trust very few. I want to, so much that sometimes I trust when I know I shouldn’t and I get hurt that way, but when I need to trust someone else with the load I’m carrying, I have to be careful that I choose someone who can handle it, who won’t be bent to the ground by the sheer weight” (p203).

 I don’t know if this is a butch thing or a personality thing (or maybe those are the same), but I know this describes me perfectly. It’s a rare person who can handle the fully honest me. And so, I mostly just take care of others.

9)  Ze talks about how hir father taught her to be a gentleman. As ze described what he taught her, I recognized the way I behave, the attitude with which I approach life. Is this a ‘butch’ attitude or again, is it just personality – and what, if anything, is the difference? Ze explains: Am I any clearer on what a butch is? Yes and no. I think the one thing Bergman clearly showed is that being butch is not about being manly in a rough and tumble sort of way. It’s not about spitting and making crude jokes. It’s not even about being handy or mechanical or into sports or whatever other ultimate masculine stereotype you want to draw upon. And it’s less about appearance than about attitude. It’s about how you take up space and where you position yourself in relation to others.

“But his lessons of community were gentlemen’s lessons, butch lessons, given over the years as much by action as in instruction, and I absorbed them all. I learned to not only listen to what people said but to watch what they did, and not only that but to remember, and to synthesize that information so that in the future I might be able to anticipate some need in someone I loved and help them before they even asked. To watch carefully and see fully all of those things that are important to my friends and family, and to keep that aggregate of information at the forefront of my consciousness, to see the entire world through a filter of what the people I know and love might want or need, heedless of current thinking about co-dependency or self-actualization or whatever other bullshit disguised as modern medicine or self-help made it into the mainstream consciousness...So now I go on, doing exactly as I learned from him to do, surprising my loved ones with the magnitude of my attention, both the depth and the breadth of it upon which they remark as though it were something extraordinary but which seems perfectly natural to me” (p105-108).