Talking to children about LGBTQ issues

Was reading a book today (also a video), called "It's Elementary: Talking About Gay Issues in School" which explores how to address LGBTQ issues in classrooms, specifically how to talk about discrimination and bias against LGBTQ persons, making kids aware of phrases and actions that aren't welcoming to others (there's actually a lesson idea for teaching the definitions of welcome and unwelcome).

Anyways, what struck me was how they answered some of the common objections to covering such material with elementary school children. First, with regards to the concern that elementary school kids are too young, the book points out that name calling and anti-gay slurs start as early as kindergarten and thus, teachers aren't actually introducing anything new but helping children understand something that they are already experiencing. Second, the book argues that talking about LGBTQ issues is NOT sex education. Its talking about people and families, current events and civil rights and does not require talking about what happens in anyone's bedroom or the mechanics of reproduction.

Touché I say...good points!

Why are people so afraid of talking to kids about stuff like this?

Even when it comes to sex education, I think we are way too inhibited. When you think about it, sexuality is mostly about relationships anyways. The actual act of sex is just the culmination or at least it should be (okay, so there is a place for sex as a recreational activity too but in the context of a relationship, sex is very much about communication and trust and all sorts of other 'people' stuff beyond physiology). I got quite a kick out of this article that reported on the way a particular high school teacher taught about the communication and anticipation that comes prior to sex:

“So let’s think about pizza,” Vernacchio said to his students after they’d deconstructed baseball. The class for that day was just about over. “Why do you have pizza?”

“You’re hungry,” a cross-country runner said.

“Because you want to,” Vernacchio affirmed. “It starts with desire, an internal sense — not an external ‘I got a game today, I have to do it.’ And wouldn’t it be great if our sexual activity started with a real sense of wanting, whether your desire is for intimacy, pleasure or orgasms… And you can be hungry for pizza and still decide, No thanks, I’m dieting. It’s not the healthiest thing for me now.

“If you’re gonna have pizza with someone else, what do you have to do?” he continued. “You gotta talk about what you want. Even if you’re going to have the same pizza you always have, you say, ‘We getting the usual?’ Just a check in. And square, round, thick, thin, stuffed crust, pepperoni, stromboli, pineapple — none of those are wrong; variety in the pizza model doesn’t come with judgment,” Vernacchio hurried on. “So ideally when the pizza arrives, it smells good, looks good, it’s mouthwatering. Wouldn’t it be great if we had that kind of anticipation before sexual activity, if it stimulated all our senses, not just our genitals but this whole-body experience.” By this time, he was really moving fast; he’d had to cram his pizza metaphor into the last five minutes. “And what’s the goal of eating pizza? To be full, to be satisfied. That might be different for different people; it might be different for you on different occasions. Nobody’s like ‘You failed, you didn’t eat the whole pizza.’

What's wrong with teachers talking about stuff like this. Seriously!? Its not like they are giving demonstrations on specific sex positions or various fetishes (although one could argue there's a need for such detailed education as well). They are just trying to help students navigate the confusing world of romantic relationships which, given who we are as a species, involves sex. I say we give them a bit more latitude.

Lesbian 'Meet the Parents' Drama

So I wrote awhile back about coming out to my parents and how positively it went. Well, just a few days ago, I introduced my girlfriend to them for the first time. Woo hoo!

There was a lot of stress leading up to the meet. They weren't comfortable inviting us to their home yet, a restaurant was too formal, a coffee shop too intimate, dinner at my brother's too overwhelming. Everyone had a different opinion. But we finally worked it out, and met in a food court. For those who are considering a 'meet the parents' get together in the future, I highly recommend this as an ideal solution ('twas my mom's brilliant idea). It doesn't have the formality or the time investment required by meeting in a restaurant, its neutral territory, it has lots of food choices to satisfy every palate, and there are enough distractions around that the focus on each other doesn't feel too intense.

Again, it went really well. My parents really liked her as I knew they would. Conversation flowed. We had come prepared with some interesting things to talk about that I knew would catch their interest. And it culminated in an invite for her to join my family for our Christmas celebrations. You can't get much better than that.

I think my mom is starting to come around. Our conversations about things are getting easier. We'd had one a few days before the meet where she was again trying to figure out what made my relationship with my girlfriend different from just a friendship. Anybody out there got a good explanation for why we have chemistry with some people and not others??? She was also asking me what made my girlfriend and I compatible. I tried explaining, but then there were things that came up during our get together that made it quite obvious and my mom and I laughed about it afterwards.

My dad is still quite formal. He hasn't really talked to me about this stuff at all since I came out although he's followed along via my mom's reports of our conversations. I did directly ask him afterwards what he thought of my girlfriend. He was very positive about her as a person but rather formal about how he referred to her belying remaining awkwardness about her status.

But all in all, it was a positive experience and I think my parents are doing great for the amount of time they've had to adjust.

I wish I had some brilliant advice to pass along for those of you who might be facing a similar situation, but things have gone so well that I'm not sure I really do. A couple of points that might be valuable:

1. My parents have valued the fact that I've communicated with them even though they are uncomfortable. They appreciate the fact that I haven't backed off just because their body language and odd questions sometimes betray their still adjusting opinion. Since their main priority is making sure I know I am still loved despite my choices (yeah, the 'despite' still rankles a bit), they are happy when my words and actions assure them that I am indeed hearing that message despite their struggles.
2. The choice of a neutral place to meet that made things as comfortable as possible for all parties was important. I think keeping it short was also a good idea. My parents were left wanting to know more which naturally led to feeling positive about getting together again.
3. I made sure my girlfriend knew that she was my priority in all of this. If there were requirements for the meet that conflicted, her requests took precedence. I love my parents and will do all I can to respect them, but I am moving forward with building a relationship with this person and keeping that solid is most important. 
4. We planned a fun evening after the meet to de-stress and laugh. Don't just go home and stew. Do something that reminds you why the person you are with makes you happy.

My first tie clip

Props to my sister-in-law. I've been looking for a tie-clip for awhile now but haven't had much luck. I don't want to spend a bunch of money on one unless its perfect. But I'd be happy to pick up some flea market varieties in the meantime...only I haven't been able to find any. Then the other day my sister-in-law hands me this little gem that she found at a local thrift shop.

I now own a tie clip. I haven't actually worn it yet, but somehow just knowing I have it makes me feel dandy.

I kind of feel about my tie clip like this blogger feels about her wool tie. She states:

Dear Wool Tie, 
I know we just met last week, but I want to tell you how I'm feeling about you.  It was good being around each other all day today, wasn't it?  I mean, your slightly-heavy-but-oh-so-soft fabric just feels right, especially for fall.  Simultaneously intellectual and badass, just like my platonic conception of myself.  See, we complete each other, Wool Tie.  Deep down in your plaid, woolen little heart, you know it.  

People think we look good together, Wool Tie.  They all said so.  You could see it in their eyes, Wool Tie.  They know that you and I are meant to be together.  I might even have some of your friends over.  Wouldn't that be fun, Wool Tie?  You know you'd love it.

The bottom line, Wool Tie, is this: I don't know how my wardrobe and I survived without you, and I hope we'll never have to again.
Fondly,BW

Doesn't that just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Do NOT Rest in Peace, Hitchens

So Christopher Hitchens died. He was one of the most prominent atheists of our time, known for disarming arguments for religion with logic and dry wit. I didn't read a lot of his stuff, but what I did read (or listen to) I found encouraging. I was especially intrigued by some of his thoughts on facing death and how it did not make him reconsider his opinions on the existence of an afterlife.

I have to admit that I've thought a bit about death since leaving Christianity. I still possess a slight ingrained fear that I might end up in some awful place called hell. But hell always seems so illogical to me that it never really coalesced into a solid image. I was able to picture heaven a bit more clearly, but the idea of worshipping God forever never inspired a huge amount of excitement - I enjoyed church, but 24-7 for an eternity seemed a bit much. So all in all, the idea that there might not be an afterlife isn't too disconcerting.

But living without the goal of eventually achieving some sort of reward in the hereafter - now, that gets my heart pumping and my brain twisting. Seriously. If this life is all there is, then what am I doing with it? Am I doing anything of value...but then, just what can be considered valuable anyways? Is it most valuable to pursue as much pleasure as I can or to build a legacy that will be remembered or to serve humanity in some obscure but impactful way? If this life is all I've got, then I should be taking care of myself better so as to extend it as long as possible.

Such thoughts then extend to quality of life and the ethics of euthanasia issues which I am not going to focus on in this post.

But, going back to Hitchens death. The media is of course full of obituaries. The irony is that many of the articles and posts include the phrase 'Rest in Peace'.  Hello!?  While this is a common phrase addressed to those who have passed on, to me, its use in this case is more insulting than respectful, given the person to whom it is addressed. To Hitchens, there was no life after death. There is no entity which can experience rest. He is dead. He is a collection of biological material decaying in the earth. As crass at that may sound, that is presumably what he believed.

So skip the 'Rest in Peace'. Say goodbye. Say he'll be missed. Say his ideas will live on. Anything but 'Rest in Peace'. And don't address anything to him - he's gone.

So for me, I'll speak to the world instead and say "We've lost a good man. A man who made us think. So, in respect for his legacy, take some time today to truly consider what you believe and why and act accordingly."

Hypocrisy bothers me

I have experienced a lot of hypocrisy within my lifetime. And my logical brain really struggles to understand how people's claimed beliefs and their actions can be so disparate in such cases. How can a church who holds marriage as sacred and who celebrates Jesus' ministry to the downtrodden, require a minister to choose between the church and his wife because she isn't strong enough physically and mentally to devote hours of volunteer service (true story experienced by my parents)? How can people juxtapose prayers for God to help them find a parking space with the realities of poverty in third world nations? How can religious teachers claim that their faith can withstand any intellectual assault and then turn around and accuse those who ask sincere questions of not trusting enough? These are just a few in a long litany of contradictions that perplex me.

But then I read about a contradiction that totally amused me. I'm sure you've heard of Westboro Baptist Church - they are the folks who are known for organizing very hateful protests, especially of anything to do with homosexuality. And you've likely also heard of Glee, one of the most gay-supportive TV series currently showing. So, what is this Westboro protester doing wearing a Glee t-shirt? Ridiculous!

I'm not the most naive person out there

Okay, this post seriously tickled my funny bone. I often bemoan how ignorant I am having come from a very sheltered religious background, but I'm also research-minded and have of course, explored a lot since coming out and can actually comprehend what this is. Of course, I still am a bit boggled by its existence and the fact that people would actually use a device...but I KNOW WHAT IT IS!  Okay, so maybe that's not particularly something to brag about, but hey, I'll take what I can get.