The process of getting to know someone

So I went on a first date the other day. Presumably it was a fairly typical first date - lots of questions about jobs, families, hobbies...that kind of thing. And I started thinking about where the transition starts to happen from getting to know 'about' a person to getting to actually know them. Instead of acquiring facts, you start to get a sense of who they are, their personality, values, what matter to them. These things can't really be deduced via a question and answer session.

Part of what got me thinking about this was that I was comparing the conversation on this date to my conversations with another friend who I've only known about six months or so (I could have chosen any other friend for this comparison process, its just that this particular friendship was the most recent). With the date there were occasional awkward moments where we both racked our brains for another question, whereas with this friend, we never seem to run out of things to say. I was trying to figure out if this should worry me (I decided it shouldn't - it was only a first date after all...but it did send me off on this slightly philosophical rabbit trail).

When this friend and I chat, we are no longer asking each other 'get to know you' questions. Instead we know each other well enough to share the events of our day (we know why something is important to the other person and can commiserate) or simply joke around (we have a sense of what will amuse the other person). So how did we get there? We did start by being part of a social group where we got to see each other in action a bit before starting the one-on-one 'get to know you' process, so that may have helped. But otherwise, I really don't know. I can't recall where that transition might have taken place.

And of course the main reason I'm asking myself all these questions and making these comparisons, is because I want to take the right steps when dating. But how does one go about it? I'm sure a lot of it is just a matter of time. But I feel a certain level of pressure because its a 'date' and not just two people hanging out. There seems like there's a heightened expectation that we are scoping each other out and evaluating suitability - but how do you do that at the 'about' stage before getting to the 'know' stage.

Its a weird conundrum. No answers today...just questions.

Proud by association - SYTYCD Gay Particicipant

So, I watched "So You Think You Can Dance" for the first time this year and got totally hooked. It's really the first reality contest type show that I've gotten into and really rooted for participants along the way (I enjoyed The Voice this summer as well, but it wasn't long enough to delve into personalities as much). I've watched a few episodes of American Idol but have always been turned off by how much of the show seems to depend on having fun at the expense of others - the judging can be quite cruel. However, I found that with SYTYCD, the judges were really rooting for the dancers and it felt like a much more positive experience. And I just love choreographed dance.

Anyways, all that to say, I found myself wondering about the strong heterosexual bias of the dances. There were lots of romantic pieces but they were always with male/female pairs. There was the occasional gay judge, but the material being danced seemed to emphasize mainstream themes. I found myself a bit disappointed, especially because I had a stereotype that the arts were one area in which gays flourished. Near the end, there were a few dances in which same-gender participants were paired, but the themes were neutral. I'd love to see a show like this push the envelope a bit.

And then, much to my surprise, I read an After Ellen interview with Sasha Mallory, this year's runner up and found out that she's a lesbian. My fledgling gaydar clearly failed me. In the interview, Sasha states:

It’s not important for America to know that personal side of me. They just needed to know if I could dance and if I had a personality. They didn’t really need to know if I was gay or straight. Who I’m sleeping with is not important. This is my craft, my art, it’s what I do and who I sleep with doesn’t really change that, I don’t think. I’m not afraid to tell people I’m gay. I’m proud all over the place. Ask anyone! [laughs] It’s just something that never needed to come up because it would just take the focus off of my dancing and it will put it into "I'm gay," ya know?

I know there's been a bit of a fuss made in the blogosphere about gay participants in these various shows being asked to keep quiet about their identity. I have no idea whether that's true or whether its just a personal choice on their parts.

In one sense, I totally agree with Sasha's statements here. The ultimate goal is for a person's sexuality to be no big deal. She's absolutely right that in that context, she should be judged on her dancing alone. But in another sense, because visibility and equality are still being fought for, there's a sense of victory every time another successful person comes out as gay. Each additional outing makes it so much easier for people to accept themselves and others.

I think in some ways Sasha achieved a good balance here. She didn't make it about her 'gayness' while competing in the show, but she is out and open now that the show is over. She's expressing this part of who she is while her 'fame' has not yet abated but after such an expression may have influenced her success. Would I have rooted for her more if I had known that she was gay prior to the results being announced? Maybe. But I seriously loved Melanie so maybe not.

I do have to admit though, that I have that kind of proud-by-association feeling when I think of her now, after the fact. And I think that's valuable to the community at large, to all the kids out there that need heroes to look up to and all the adults who need to know we are just regular human beings in all walks of life. So thanks, Sasha!

Early clues to my lesbianism

Just recently I read this post on Butch Wonders about signs from childhood/adolescence that the author was a lesbian. I could relate to many of them so I thought I would make my own list (blatantly copying some points...and in no particular order).

1. I absolutely loved it when I got the part of a male newscaster in a school play and had to wear a suit jacket.
2. I panicked at the thought of changing in front of other girls in the locker room. I distinctly remember grand efforts to avert my eyes for fear they'd think I was 'looking' at them.
3. No concept of flirting. No understanding the dynamics between guys and gals in high school.
4. Absolute befuddlement at my friends crushes.
5. From the above-mentioned blog: "Avoiding premarital sex never struck me as all that difficult."
6. I always wished I could shop in the men's departments - cargo pants, polo shirts, and sweater vests, oh my!
7. I craved physical contact from my friends (who were girls) and thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I tried to blame it on a lack of hugs from my mom or some such childhood issue. Simultaneously, I studiously avoided any such contact.
8. I felt like a fraud whenever wearing a skirt and a klutz when it came to applying makeup. I absolutely detested pantihose. 
9. I developed instant 'crushes' (then described as a desire to be mentored) on several older women in my life.
10. When watching romance films, I always focused on the woman during the kissing scenes. When fantasizing, I always pictured myself in the male role (which I've since realized doesn't mean I wanted to be a man, but that I wanted to be with a woman).