This page will likely evolve as I have time to fill in the details, but for now, here's a bit of background.
I grew up in a Charismatic Christian home (think a step beyond Pentecostal). My dad is a pastor. Up until three years ago, I was a dedicated follower of Christ - dedicated but often conflicted because I'm also very intellectual and have pursued a degree in Psychology, both of which challenge many of the foundations of faith. I can't say that I now firmly believe that there is no God, but I have certainly let go of many of the notions with which I was indoctrinated. I do believe that much of what organized religions claim can be better explained by science. I also believe that what keeps people in organized religions is not so much compelling evidence but very human psychological biases, including, but not limited to fear. I grew up believing that anyone who wasn't 100% dedicated to Christ and living with the Holy Spirit's involvement in their everyday life was miserable and depraved. Since walking away from the church, I have been happier and more relaxed than ever before...and I've met a lot of people who are absolutely amazing without the assistance of religious faith (I have also met people who are religious yet a lot more relaxed and accepting than those in my particular church). My worldview has been turned upside down.
One of the things I was taught to believe was that homosexuality was wrong. In fact, there is really no such thing as a homosexual (using the term as a noun implies some sort of ontological existence which would be difficult to 'fix'), just people who experience homosexual urges and must resist them. I don't remember much talk about gays and lesbians growing up. I certainly didn't know anyone who was out. And yet, I do remember this underlying fear that maybe I was one...or in terminology less 'noun'-like, maybe I was a sexual deviant. I know I was counselled about my predilection to wear baggy, non-feminine clothing and my struggle to resist masturbation. As a young adult, I was actually questioned a couple times as to whether I thought I might have homosexual tendencies and I was prayed for in an attempt to deliver me from them.
And so, of course, I lived in significant denial. I was absolutely not a lesbian. I was not attracted to women (and when I was, it was just because I looked up to them spiritually). Of course that meant I was a pretty pathetic heterosexual, because I wasn't attracted to men either. I never had crushes or dated at all through high school and university. If anything, I had mother issues and craved contact with women in an attempt to gain something I missed out on as a child. That was the only allowable explanation.
And so I worked on my issues. And I remained celibate. And I wondered if I'd ever meet a guy who I would like, and who would like me back. And I became frustrated when my friends didn't want to become as close with me as I wanted to with them. And I would feel shame whenever a woman touched me and I felt aroused (I couldn't actually use this word so I didn't really comprehend what was happening) and thus I would avoid all physical contact.
I ended up forming a deep friendship (what I now know as my first full-fledged crush) with an older woman. After two or so years, she freaked out and 'broke up' with me. Seriously! I found out later that she had struggled with homosexual urges herself in the past and her relationship with me was triggering that (and as a Christian herself, that wasn't okay). It wasn't phrased that diplomatically, of course. Instead, I was blamed, the implication being that I was seducing her in some fashion. There's a lot more to the story, but the bottom line is I dug my head in the sand even further and had many opportunities to vehemently deny my same-sex orientation.
Fast forward a few years after I'd walked away from the church and had started to revise many of my perspectives on various social issues. I was telling someone the story of my friendship with this woman and was again asked, "Are you homosexual?". I denied this as had become my habit. However, I went home and realized that I was no longer obligated to answer that way.
Suddenly the flood gates opened and one could say my life flashed before my eyes. Suddenly everything made a whole lot more sense. I was gay and that was okay. I didn't have to deny it or be ashamed of it. I could actually celebrate it. All of a sudden I had hope that maybe I too could find love and relationship.
I know that many people really struggle when they first identify themselves as gay. I didn't. For me my struggle had happened in the letting go of an inflexible and prejudicial worldview bequeathed to my by the religion of my childhood. Once I had given myself permission to think for myself, accepting others and ultimately accepting myself was easy. As I said before, things just made a whole lot more sense.
I started getting involved in the community, educating myself, and even...shocker...dating! I'm excited to have this opportunity to share my journey, to share how my thinking evolves as I move from black and white to a rainbow coloured world.
