The difference between being loved, wanted and needed

I have pondered this question for a very long time. I’ve heard people talk about how its not healthy to be too attached to being needed. That can lead you to being used. But is being loved enough either? Christianity often touts love as being ultimate. However, given that I believe love is more of a choice than an emotion, I believe you can be loved but not liked, which doesn’t feel great. In my own thinking, I’ve often stated that my greatest desire was to be wanted. To me, being wanted is a step beyond being liked. Someone can theoretically like me but not really miss me when I’m not around. But to be wanted, to be sought out and desired…that is a very special feeling.

I know that I am needed. I’m too good at too many things to not be needed. I’m needed to fix my parents technical problems, to babysit for my brother and sister-in-law, to counsel and advise my friends and labmates, to design graphics for the group I volunteer with, etc. I know these people view me as indispensible in some ways, but these are just skills. They aren’t me. I am technically replaceable.

I know that I am loved. I know my parents love me. They support me. They help me out of jams. They put up with my annoying traits. I know my brother loves me and would be there for me if I ever needed him (although he’ll probably never say the words out loud). I know that there are lots of other people who care for me. Again, the definition of this kind of love seems to be that if you call on them, they will help. Even if its inconvenient, even if you’ve had an argument – there’s something about love that bypasses all that and chooses to be there for the other person. Love and sacrifice seem to go together.

But I’m sometimes not sure if I’m wanted. If I show up at a party, people are happy to see me, but if I don’t, I never get the sense that I am missed. I’ve had numerous occasions when I’ve been present when different events are being organized but then never been invited. I have friends who may be happy enough to go to lunch with me if I do the inviting, but never seem to think of me and initiate such activities on their own. This is puzzling to me.

Any thoughts? Is there a particular element in the triad that is more or less important to you? I’m guessing it depends on each person’s own experiences and what may have been lacking growing up. Again, as I've expressed, I’ve had love and been needed, but sometimes that love was expressed as an obligation (the whole ‘choice’ thing can be turned into a negative). And I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s an element of self-fulfilling prophecy happening in that when I don’t feel wanted, I act like someone people wouldn’t want to be around.

But I have hope, because the journey that I’ve been documenting in this blog has brought me to a place where I like myself more than I ever have before. I like how I look. I like how I feel. I like who I am. I've had numerous people comment on how I appear far more comfortable with myself. And generally speaking, those who are comfortable with themselves make others around them more comfortable as well. It wouldn’t surprise me if this liking turns into better connections with other people that help balance out my perceived imbalance between being loved, wanted and needed.

Note: For those who know me in real life, I am not thinking of any specific person or incident as I write this. I can trace this theme through journal entries as far back as high school. Its just something that has been on my mind lately. Being involved in a new community and making new friends has given me many opportunities to observe my own behavior and others' reactions to it - and as is typical, I over analyze everything, including myself.