Preoccupied with being gay

It’s only been about eight months since I finally acknowledged to myself that I am gay. Long story; nuther post. Since then, I seem to have followed typical trajectory in becoming rather consumed with what this means to my life. To be fair, there have been changes in many areas – I’m reading different books, listening to different music, watching different movies, hanging out with different people. But I worry sometimes that the fact that I’m gay resides too much at the forefront of my thoughts. Heterosexual people don’t go through their day constantly thinking about how they are straight. I am more than a lesbian, aren’t I? Have I changed that much with this new awareness?

But then I ask myself if it’s possible to be blasé about this aspect of who I am? Because it’s not so much about being gay specifically, as it is being a minority. Our self-concept is multi-faceted and we are rarely aware of every aspect of who we are all the time. Research has shown that contrast, in particular, can make a facet more salient. For example, it is unlikely that we spend much time consciously thinking about the color of our hair. But if we have black hair and suddenly walk into a room full of blondes, we will be more likely to include hair color in a self-description. The difference between that aspect of ourselves and of those around us brings it to the surface of our awareness.

Fact: Those who identify as anything but heterosexual are a minority. Thus, wherever we go, the fact that we are gay or transgender, etc. will likely be more prominent in our minds than the majority’s heterosexuality will be to them. Compounding this effect is the fact that we are often faced with assumptions that must be corrected: “Oh, do you have a boyfriend?” or “Shouldn’t you be using the men’s room?” Add to that the many situations in which we have to guage whether who we are will be accepted or not and what level of self-censure we should employ and it’s no wonder that our sexual orientation feels like a consuming part of our lives.

There are several comparable examples. A person confined to a wheelchair must always be thinking about accessibility issues. A parent can’t simply go partying without planning for their kids. An entrepreneur can’t afford to miss an opportunity to network. In all of these cases, necessity forces a certain facet of a person’s life to the forefront. My being gay is just another example.

Can society do something about it? Sure. As assumptions and acceptance levels change, the need for me to differentiate or protect myself will be reduced and so will my focus on this aspect of my identity. Can I do something about it? Sure. I can surround myself by friends and families for whom my being a lesbian is no big deal or who are gay themselves so I don’t feel set apart or defensive. And most of all, I can give myself a little understanding and grace now that I understand why things are the way they are and work to be a part of changing the way others view me and others like me.