Is being gay a choice?

This idea of 'choice' seems to be a key one upon which many opponents of homosexuality hang their hats. I'm not going to rehash the arguments on both sides of that debate. Rather, I want to explore the question from my subjective experience. Have I 'chosen' to be gay?

If I had remained in the church, or if I hadn't purposefully exposed myself to gay media and literature in order to become more educated about this segment of our society, I may very well have remained in my naivety and simply viewed myself as a rather pathetic heterosexual (I am 30 yrs old and have never dated - never been attracted to a guy). Does this mean that my new identification of myself as gay is a choice? Yes, I think I have chosen to apply that label to myself, to adjust my concept of self to accommodate this new understanding. Could I have chosen to deny this label, to justify the evidence from my life in some other way? Certainly.

Our understanding of ourselves changes continually. Our sense of who we are is adjusted as we encounter new people or face various life experiences. In the face of failure, a person can choose to label themselves as defeated, or they can label themselves as temporarily delayed. How we view ourselves in any given situation changes how we feel and the subsequent decisions that we make.

However, that framing does not change the circumstances themselves, only our interpretation. To bring this back to the discussion of homosexuality, I believe that the biological source of the attraction I feel for my same gender and the lack of attraction I feel for the opposite gender is not a choice - its simply a physical reality. Until now, I have not had a way of conceptualizing this reality, a linguistic frame that would enable me to integrate it into my sense of who I am. Now that I do, I have a choice of embracing this new understanding, rejecting it, or warping it to fit some societal expectation.

But why would I hesitate? Why would I deny myself a fuller understanding of what makes me...me? Why does anyone choose denial when faced with some revelation about themselves? Usually fear. If someone points out to you that you that people perceive you as arrogant and you recognize some element of truth in that observation, you might feel fear that admitting it would lose you the respect of your peers. So instead, you deny it and blame in on the insecurity of others who are jealous. Fear causes us to do weird things.

But I refuse to let my life be dictated by fear...and refusal is a choice. So am I choosing to embrace my identity as a gay person. Yes. And in doing so I feel a new freedom. I feel disparate pieces of the puzzle that is my life falling into place. This new label helps me feel whole, to feel more like myself for the first time in years.